Rediscovering minimalism, slow living & new goals for myself

When I was 22 years old, I discover minimalism for the first time. That was 11 years ago, way before everyone is crazy about it. It was Leo Babauta who introduced me to it in his blog zenhabits. I have practice it imperfectly since then. I got my first job then and all of the productivity, frugality and efficiency hack I know was from Leo. And then he talks about zen. I think it was no coincidence that I was working for a company co-owned and run by Japanese. My first boss was a Japanese. He and our other Japanese colleagues taught me a lot about my working ethics which I have carry with me until now. I remember vividly when I was tasked to make a materials for a meeting. Being inexperience, the materials I did was not so neat and papers clip together are uneven sizes. One of them noticed it and showed me how to do it neatly. And then he proceed to tell me gravely "In Japan your work is not unacceptable" I never forget it and ever since I make sure to double check my work before handing it in.

Afraid to ask for help to other colleagues, there I was, digging internet to read anything that would help me be my better self and that's how I found Zenhabits. The simplification and straightforwardness of Leo's website lure me in. Before I know I have read all his articles and learned a lot about minimalism and zen living. You would say that I probably have mastered it by now. That is not the case. You see, I have another personality which is taking over every now and then. The romantic side of me. The side of me who want to have a ballet flats of different colors and wear long floral dresses. For years, I have decluttered and then buy stuff over again because I feel like I should embody this romantic side of me. That was an unending circle of decluttering and then regretting selling my stuff.

During the pandemic, I let the not zen of me take over completely. I sold my tetsubin tea set bough a vintage chippendale chair. I enrolled to a ballet class and dress like the girl who was full of ambition and wanting perfection. I buy a romantic wrought-iron bed to replace my foldable sofa bed. I buy and buy until my credit card is almost at its limit. Yes, I got a credit card! One of the things I swear I won't be having during my minimalist phase. And one day when I feel like I've finally achieve the plans I have in my head, I stopped to look back to the things I own. I suddenly feel like suffocating, suffocating from the stuff that fills my small room. Suffocating from the constant putting a goal of achieving a certain number of working hours just so I'll achieve a certain amount of salary. And I got sick. I realized I'm stressed out.

I could not sleep early, could not wake up early. And I have no energy to buy vegetables and cook a healthy meal for me. I am so out of my flow.

But once you learned something it would be hard to unlearn them. For me, peace of mind would be found in Thich Nhat Hanh's book The Art of Living Peace and Freedom Here and Now. It never fails to bring me back to simplicity. And then I found myself again re-learning minimalism. What different this time is that I fully immersed myself in material world which did not happen before. I guess you will really never learn until you burn your hands on fire.

And then I ask myself, what is really my goal? It was to learn art. TO BE AN ARTIST.

And to be honest, I never really made an effort to be an artist. I rarely write. I rarely draw and I even sell my SLR. I remember really loving photography and recently I kind of frustrated as I don't own any good camera, even my phone's camera is so lousy. Which should not really hinder me to take good photos. So my goal is to buy a good camera and give another chance on my photographer self. And if remember clearly, the reason I gave up corporate job so I can be free doing the things I love and live slowly. It's one of my goal too to travel domestically and show people the simple beauty in the Philippines.

Well, I guess what really happen there was I did not stick to my goals and kinda forget about them. Well, I'm not the most consistent person you see. How about you? How do you stick to your goals? Are you really clear on what you want to be?